The Dookie Chronicles.

What began as a very safe and innocent exploration into how my relatively small-bottomed family consumes a disproportionate amount of toilet paper has morphed into something else entirely. I discovered that once I started writing about “bathroom issues”, I just couldn’t stop! It occurred to me that we all, as human animals, share a great number of these issues and that indeed they may be the only things we ALL truly have in common. The toilet may be our absolute lowest, yet most common, denominator. No person is safe from stomach to rear end induced anxiety, ranging from minor to major. These issues are indiscriminate and collectively feared. As such, they create both empathy and sympathy like few things in life can. A couple of examples will help illustrate this.


Example I: While inspecting a roof in El Paso, Texas a few months ago, I witnessed my buddy and colleague, Larry(name unchanged), duck-walking, quite briskly, the two blocks to our “big, blue friend”, the sani-can at a construction site. I understood and rooted for Larry. With an intent stare and softly moving lips, I may have silently mouthed, “You can make it, L-Train. You can make it.” He made it, but for a time, he went through a rough patch and was forced pretty consistently to duck-walk. He perfected it. In fact, his duck-walk actually became his regular walk! Over time, with the help of some dietary modifications and a lot of encouragement, Larry is walking normally, again. We’re all very proud and happy for him. We all understand this urgency and will always help when we can. It could have and has been, ANY and ALL of us.

Also worth noting, our nickname, the “big, blue friend”, was not just another juvenile wit creation. It was conceived in reverence. There truly is no better friend when the need strikes. We will forsake our mother, children and God himself to find a “friend” when breathing shallows, the forehead begins to bead with sweat and the eyes blur with terror. We seek the comfort and relief our “friends” represent. They always deliver. That can be said for very few things in this world.

Example II: Another buddy and colleague, Mr. X, I will call him for his protection, was not as lucky as Larry. His episode resulted in an unfortunate late night request for new sheets on TWO queen size hotel beds. A bad cheeseburger was blamed. As disturbing as this incident was, it was met with a bunch of, “are you oks?” and, “can I get you anythings?” from a usually pretty jaded and inconsiderate group of fellas. This episode caused genuine concern. Had he chopped his nose off while shaving, we would have called him some names and told him to rub some dirt on it. Under circumstances such as these, though, we felt for him and were genuinely sympathetic. This is a rare and wonderful thing and can only be inspired by our own fear and comprehension of the devastating events that occurred, a true nightmare come to life.

These are not isolated incidents. My own catalog of “uh oh” moments is unsavory and vast. We all have a catalog. Knowing this brings us all a little closer. From the low to the high end of human status, we all share a universal worry. It is the great equalizer and indeed, may exist solely for this reason. I can think of no other good reason. From now on, when faced with an adversary, I will try to see the softer side we share that begins with a sharp cramp, followed closely by a slight gurgle, culminating in terror and desperation. It’s the least I can do.

(A side-note to the Mr. X incident was his three am phone call to house-keeping and his introductory comment, “Send someone you don’t like.” This is and very likely will remain the quote of the year for me. Thanks, Mr. X.)