Scaring people is funny.

“HOWDY!!” My wife screams as she whips open the shower curtain on me. Luckily, I am already in the shower as I wet myself. She laughs deviously and moves on. Her day improved.


Scaring people is funny. While I stand shaking and dripping, I am mad, but not too mad. I probably deserve it. I love scaring people. Nothing else can create the unnatural facial expressions, noises and body movements like a good scare. It is hilarious. Watching America’s Funniest Home Videos, I always laugh the hardest when someone jumps out of the Christmas present box or the “skeleton” grabs at someone on the front porch on Halloween. People freak and I grin.

Scaring is an art and timing is everything. Unsuspecting victims, engaged in some activity which distracts them, are the best. Stealth is vital, but understanding the target is also important. In the mid 90’s, my buddies, Dan and Shane worked in the same commercial construction office. They were friends and had some latitude in how they could behave towards each other, but their “Scare War” was legendary. Tales of a perfectly timed bang on the window as the victim’s back was turned and head was down, obviously deeply focused on some important task, still crack me up. Their battle waged for months. From popping out of a toilet stall and screaming while the other was mid-stream to hiding behind doors to the window bangs, they are all classics. To this day, they both still behave very warily towards each other, no doubt suffering some mild form of PTSD. I love it all.

I scare my neighbor a lot. He is always busy outside. I don’t always intend to scare him, but he is too easy. He gets focused on something and even though I was not planning on scaring him, I do. It is a crime of opportunity. I always make sure the gate is shut and that I have a good head start on any chase that may occur before laying on the horn. “HI, NICK!!” He shakes and swears. He rarely disappoints. He’s very reliable. I appreciate this. He’s also big and I don’t want him to catch me when his blood is boiling. Gratefully, he’s quick to cool. I sometimes bring him a beer as a peace offering or maybe more of a “thank you” gift for the enjoyment he provided me.

While scaring people is fun, one must choose targets wisely. Some people get very upset. My buddy Dan’s wife, Catherine, punches hard. Trust me on this one. She is a little jumpy already and it doesn’t take much to make her jump a little more. Given that she can and will deliver a serious bone bruise, I don’t try to scare her anymore. Though, I have been falsely accused and convicted on a few occasions. She metes out punishment swiftly and violently. One must be careful when dealing with such individuals. In my experience, it is best to avoid them altogether.

As I glance at the clock, I see that it is about time for my son to be walking home from school. It is time for me to take my usual place behind my neighbor’s hedge and wait for him to pass by, then jump out and scream, “HOW WAS YOUR DAY!?!!! He won’t budge and that is unacceptable. I need to find a hiding new spot.